Self love from a fuller-figured adult ballerina

Copyright: Not my image, used with permission by subject

Welcome dancers and dance lovers to a new project on my blog, using dance and our love for ballet and dance, to inspire self love amongst us. I don’t think I could have chosen a more fitting piece to celebrate this new chapter my blog is going on. More information on this project will be shared later on.

Sophie is a beautiful, adult ballerina from Australia, who kindly agreed to write and let me share a bit of her story. Her Instagram is so encouraging and inspirational, have a look @sophiaballerina_

Let me know your thoughts and if you have anything you would like to contribute towards my new project by blog post or by email on: dancegrace2@gmail.com

Here it is: 

My negative body image and struggles with my weight have been a part of me since before I can even remember, but then so has my desire to be a ballet dancer

When I was little I wasn't allowed to go to ballet class because I was already into too much music and sport. When I was a teenager, I was far too anxious and weird to take it up, even when my friends tried to drag me along to their jazz classes. When I was eighteen and out with my friends, I would refuse to dance in clubs or at parties, because I was too self-conscious. I thought dancers were popular, bubbly and hot. I was not. Some of my favourite movies over the years were Centre Stage and Black Swan and I wanted so badly to dance like them and look like they did, but I definitely thought there was no way.

Fast forward to a year and a half ago. I was twenty-five years old and it suddenly struck me that you could start ballet as an adult. I think I had come across an article by accident about adult ballet and until then would have never known this was possible. I used to regularly eat at a place called the Sydney Dance Cafe which is attached to the Sydney Dance Company Studios where the professional company rehearse, as well as amateurs from beginners to pre-professional level. I had watched all the beautiful and fit dancer types walking in and out of classes for probably 10 years and had always envied them. Until around the time of my epiphany, there would have been no way I would have ever be caught in tight and revealing outfits like they were wearing, because I was too fat and ugly. Also, I knew dancing is a lot about how you look and people looking at you, and that made me severely uncomfortable. 

To paint you a quick picture, I'm an Australian size 12 at the moment, which I believe is UK 12 and US 8. When I started ballet class I was around a size 14-16. I've never been under a size 10 since puberty. 

I think I was having a rare moment of inspiration one day when I convinced my tall, skinny and beautiful best friend to come along to a four week 'Introduction to Ballet' course that Sydney Dance Company was running. I wore an all-black outfit of thick leggings and a baggy top and hoped that no one would notice me and think I was lost when we crept in and stood at the back barre, furthest away from the teacher and the mirror. It took maybe the most amount of courage I've ever mustered to get myself to go to that class. I don’t think I slept the night before. I was excited yet terrified. Surely they would laugh me out of the studio! When I arrived, I was definitely looking around and noticing there was no one really like me there. Luckily it was pre-paid and not a cheap course, so that motivated me to finish the month, and thankfully I did because by then I was hooked. The joy of being able to dance to the beautiful ballet music and the supportive atmosphere meant I no longer cared how much larger I was than the ballet ideal.
I've never looked back and never been happier.
There have definitely been many times where I've been reminded of my size. 

It was probably around two months into my journey, and I now wanted to dress like a ballet dancer. I remember going to get a leotard for the first time and being so self-conscious and self-hating and wondering if anything at all would fit me. Feeling like the shop assistants were judging me and assuming I was just there with my friend. To my pleasant surprise, even back then I managed to find a classic and flattering black leotard from Wear Moi and got a longer wrap skirt from Etsy. I wore black tights for a while until I realised that I wasn't magically skinnier by wearing them, and then graduated to pink tights. I now can pretty much wear anything that anyone else can and feel fairly good about myself. I can see the progress I've made with my body and fitness and that is an excellent feeling. It depends on the day and my mood of course!

Most times when I go to class, I'll be the biggest person there. This no longer bothers me as much as it had done at first. I have learned through my own self-discovery and the support of my teachers and class mates, that for a non-professional, it really doesn't matter how big I am. I can make beautiful shapes and lines, and my teacher regularly reminds me with compliments and corrections. He said to me the other day in a proud voice, "It's like you danced ballet in a past life!". He has really boosted my confidence and now I rarely cringe when I see myself in the mirror. I'll be forever grateful to him for that. If you're not getting this level of comfort and support from your teacher or your class mates, it may be best to find another teacher/studio. I can tell you, they are out there! 

Another motivation is that I actually kind of love the shock present in some people’s voices after they watch me dance or when I tell people I dance ballet. They are then usually pleasantly surprised by me and I like to prove their pre-conceptions wrong.

I don't want to make it sound like my journey has been all sunshine and roses. There have and will continue to be low points. 

Even if there isn't the stigma or the judgement from people around me, I am constantly reminded by my own body that ballet is harder for people who aren't tiny in the form of injuries from over use and stress of my joints and feet. I have to take extra care of myself than other classmates do. 

I also have had some nasty people on the internet make comments or give me weird looks in real life. But I would just like to remind these people, that I know what I look like, and I don't need their unwanted opinions. It would be nice if everyone could remember that they are talking to real humans online, and these humans have a backstory and a life that you can't possibly imagine. Especially not by looking at one photo of my feet in pointe shoes or seeing me warming up before class. 

I can safely say after looking back, I am so proud that I pushed myself and left my comfort zone to do something I wanted to do since I was a kid. I've been rewarded in many ways, but the main thing would be that I've found something which I genuinely love to do. How lucky am I that it also means I'm getting exercise and mental health benefits at the same time? My new confidence has definitely translated to outside of dance too. Not only have I lost some weight and toned up from all the ballet, I have a new attitude, posture and way of carrying myself which is much more beautiful and confident than before. I’m a person who has suffered with anxiety and depression throughout my life, and I’m happy to say that ballet really assists with that. I also love all the friends I’ve made in ballet class, as we’re all a special brand of crazy that you don’t really find outside the ballet community. This also extends to other adult beginners and returners on Instagram. There are so many awesome and kind souls on there and it really make so me happy to follow their journeys. I love hearing people tell me that they didn’t know they could start ballet at their age or size, or ever get en pointe, and that I’ve inspired them. Honestly, it makes all the harder times throughout the journey worthwhile. I would have loved to see a fuller-figured adult beginner ballerina en pointe when I started this, so I only hope I can help some other people to find the motivation and strength to get themselves to a ballet class! They will not regret it!

*Story used with permission*